Words on Words

Kardashian Barbie

2012-01-07T13:11:00.002-05:00

A few weeks ago I made one of the best Internet discoveries of my life since Safari private browsing. OneMillionMoms.com is one of the leading Internet based opponents of freedom of speech, made up of Christian fundamentalist hate mongering theocrats who also happen to be worried mothers, adding fuel to the fire. Picture your mom. Now picture your mom but fascist. That's what we're dealing with here.

One Million Moms leads campaigns to have everything enjoyable removed from television and the Internet. This Christmas, they also participated in the American Family Association's blacklisting of stores that said "Happy Holidays."

The email I received recently, though, is one of their best (yes, I'm on their mailing list). Apparently, Mattel has made a deal with the Kardashians to make Kardashian Barbie dolls. Seems fitting to me. Now the Kardashians can be completely fake instead of just mostly. But OMM is against it. Here is their list of reasons:

Scenes and topics of discussion on their reality show(s) include:
• Nude yoga with a nude male yoga instructor
• Modeling in Playboy Magazine which gives mother the idea to model nude in pictures as a gift to her husband
• Discussion of sexual bondage
• Watching porn on their computers
• Suggestions of a three-some
• Excess alcohol consumption which leads to violence
• Arrest for DUI
• Married Kim strips in front of male friend to see if he looks at her to determine if he is gay or not
• Huge fights between siblings
• High volume of foul language

Well, let's look into this now. It may not seem like it, but a lot of these things adhere strictly to Christian Conservative values.
-Nude yoga with a nude male instructor - Hey, that's just women being properly subservient to men as it states they should in the bible. At least it's not lesbian yoga.
-Giving nude pictures to your husband - Easy. Loyalty to your spouse. They're married. This peep show is sanctioned by the Lord.
-Threesome - Here are 16 examples of polygamy in the bible.
-Porn - I keep hearing all this shit about how bad porn is. They want to ban it. But what about jobs? Do you realize how many people are employed by the porn industry? They go on and on about these fucking jobs. Now here's a huge group of people who have well-paying lucrative jobs, and it's not the right kind of job? Fuck off.
-Stripping in front of a dude to see if he's gay - Religion aside, that's just a good test, right? Do you know a better way? And so what if Kim was married at the time. That marriage was so short not even she noticed it. If you're aware of Kim Kardashian's marital status during the particular episode you watched, you're paying way too much attention. I think you might be the one with the problem.

Make note, if you go to the OMM website, you can participate in one of their letter-writing campaigns. However, they do not screen the letters before they send them out, so you can completely distort their message before you send it. If you read my blog, I trust you know what to do with this information.

-Joe

She's always a woman to me. And that's the problem.

2011-12-18T17:43:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure how well this works written, but I'm trying to be a good 21st century comedian and "actively create content to increase my web presence and cultivate a following." And synergy.
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Why is it that every time I talk to a girl I feel like I should apologize to her?

When I explained this to a friend, she said I shouldn't feel that way because I'm cool and funny and mysterious. Ok, I'll keep that in mind next time I say "Hey, uh, what...where are you fr...what...uh...what's your name?" and then have nothing to follow up that tremendous start with. I don't get it, where's the mystery? "It's a mystery how you're so bad at this. You're an adult but you relate to women like you're 14. That's so...mysterious."

I think the problem is I'm a slow learner. So I was probably about 19 when I started to become comfortable around girls, but then I got into a relationship that lasted 3 years. Which is fine (not really), but it doesn't help in the not-sounding-like-a-fucking-idiot-when-I-talk-to-females department. So now I'm back where I started.

I just don't know what to say to girls. I don't know what it is. There's one girl I always sat behind in a class. One day I realized she's pretty cute and I've never really spoken to her. So I thought I should go for it. What's the big deal? I thought about what I might say. The only thing that came to mind was "Hey, girl." Makes sense, seeing as I'm an R&B artist. Then, in my fucking fantasy, where anything can happen, she gets offended and starts yelling at me for saying such a dumb offensive thing. That's the special and unique way in which I hate myself. So then I thought "Alright, I guess I shouldn't talk to her." Because I literally couldn't think of anything else to say but "Hey girl."

I think part of the problem is I'm obsessed with being original (Reader: Good one, Joe. We've all heard George Carlin). It's like a writers' room in my head.

"What should I say to her....maybe I'll just start simple. How about 'what's your name?'"
"'What's your name?' You can't just have a guy ask a girl her name. It's been done. What is this, the 90s?"

Even my own thoughts seem trite to me. "I'd really like to have sex with a girl." Wow, Joe. Real original. You're a fucking visionary. Put that one in the screenplay.

-Joe

If you like my jokes, you'll love my unfunny, depressing bullshit!

2011-12-06T22:06:00.000-05:00

As I approach my (hopefully) final semester at any school anywhere ever again, I can't help but look back and think about how truly terrible the experience has been. Not just college, the whole school thing. Just was never for me.

Bad things have happened in my life. Nothing unbearable - I am a middle class white person in America. But I do have a severe diet-related autoimmune disease and several other food intolerances. I witnessed 9/11 at age 12. I've experienced deaths in my family and other types of loss. I've been in harmful relationships, and good ones that went away. And though some of these things are clearly far worse than school could ever be, nothing can compare to the intense, day-to-day psychological torment school caused me, and the depression and feelings of helplessness and worthlessness it led to. Not because it's school - I mean, it just fucking school. It's because I'm me.

And take note, it was never an attitude problem, a lack of direction, or the evils of occasional alcohol and marijuana use (I consumed exactly zero of these things before college). That's some dismissive bullshit people come up with when they don't want to put up with the kids who are "different." I liked school as a kid. But I lost interest, and I never got it back, because my interests and abilities were always outside of school. Even with music, I much preferred the music I did outside of school to what I did in school. School just became a place that kept me from enjoying what I loved.

In fifth grade they told me I had ADD. Wonderful, now we know what the problem is. Wonderful. Now I, the 10 year old, can take heavy mind-altering drugs and have a label on me that only draws attention to what makes me different from everyone else. All through my childhood I listened to people explain to me why it was important to go to a place where I feel stupid and alone every day of my life.

As much as you may go "Ugh, all this work to do for school!" all over facebook where everyone really wants to hear about that so very much, you're able to do it. You're able to focus on it, generally find it important in some way, and you have the ability to complete the work. And you get good grades. People tell me I have a bad attitude. Well the attitude gets pretty bad when you're told over and over you suck at something you never really cared about being good at in the first place and had to literally force yourself to work on at all. I have never entered a semester with a bad attitude. But I have never left a semester without a terrible one.

I'm doing this extra year of college right now because I have not been able to pass a math class and a science class. For my writing degree I don't want or care about. Math and science, so I can be called a writer. But scratch that, I passed the first science class I needed, with a D-. That's with hours of intense tutoring. Right now I'm barely passing Intermediate Algebra at a community college. It's my only class. I understand that math and science are important. But why are you making me do it? I'm not the one you want doing it. I'm really very very bad at it. They don't make math majors take comedy classes. They don't make them get on a stage and give them 10 minutes to get a room full of strangers to like them. Maybe art isn't as important as math or science in a utilitarian sense, but I'll bet every math major and science major and important smart person with a real job in the world goes home at the end of a full day of importantness and turns on the TV or reads a book or listens to music or enjoys comedy. Why do people refuse to see the value in these things?

But they don't teach unimportant things like comedy in school. So I had to be a writing major, which didn't make any sense at all for me. Why didn't I just drop out, you ask? I was scared. I've been scared into believing my whole life that if you don't finish college you just die. You go out in the world and just literally fucking drop dead because a college - a business that only values students that improve its own image - didn't give you a paper that says you're super special.

If you think I'm wrong, which is more than possible, please leave a comment regarding what I'm wrong about and how wrong I am.

-Joe

Letter to 7 Billionth Person

2011-10-27T23:51:00.008-04:00

Apparently, the 7 billionth person may be born this weekend. I wrote him/her/herm a letter.
_______________________________________________________________

Congratulations!

I guess. I mean, you didn't have much to do with your own birth. It's a miracle (see: things that aren't real) you're even here, really. Your parents didn't use birth control, or it didn't work, nobody killed your parents, and it was your seminal representative who made it all the way to the egg. Even after that, you could have been flushed out, accidentally or...not quite as accidentally. No, I won't go into further detail. The point is, there were many, many ways you could have died before you were even born. But nonetheless, welcome to Earth and the human race (and so many more glorious ways to die!)

Before you start walking around and looking at stuff, please know we've done our best. Really, this is our best. I'm sorry. We had the best intentions. But really, if you think about it, everyone has good intentions. I mean, even Hitler thought he was doing the right thing. Who's Hitler? Um, I'll tell you when you're older. Which totally won't make it better. But here on Earth we like to let you think you're really happy for a while and then tell you later that it's all a lie. It's the best system we've come up with so far.

I wonder where you were born. Are you male or female? What color is your skin? You may feel like these things don't matter. But you'll learn.

Maybe you were born in China, in which case I'm amazed anyone noticed. We're all to blame for overpopulation, but shit, you people (I'm assuming. If not, "Those people") really take the rice cake! Sorry, that's humor. You'll learn about that (see: Jeff Dunham). If you are Chinese, I really hope you're a boy. I mean, I don't - they do, so I do, because if you're a girl I hear they pull some baby Moses shit on you. But, if you're a Chinese girl, you could be adopted by Americans, which would kick ass (see: America).

You might be European, which would be...tolerable. If you don't mind a socialist hell-scape of free medical care and open-minded societies. We probably won't bomb you, if that helps.

Perhaps you were born in an African desert to a primitive tribe of nomads. That's okay. We're all part of the human family. Now, whatever you do, try your best to get the fuck out of there. Trust me. It's no way to live. You could be in America, where the streets are paved. That's it. They're paved. And there are streets.

The great thing about Earth is you could be born in a poor country in Africa and grow up to be a successful, happy American (Note: America is the only good place). Everyone has the opportunity to move up in this world. We accomplish this by taking things from people who don't have very much and giving lots of things to people who have tons of shit. Trust us, it works. Basically, if you and all the other kids born alongside you in sub-rural Zimbabwe aren't investment bankers in 25 years, you're doing something wrong.

Hopefully, you were born in America, which is "the greatest, best country God has ever given man on the face of the earth" (Sean Hannity, American professor and investigative researcher in country-ranking and deity preferences). Our government sucks and doesn't care about us, but we don't have to worry about it because we have other stuff to get upset about like Xbox Live and changes to social networking sites. We let people in other countries worry about our government.

But back to the issue at hand, you adorable little statistic. Seven billion may seem like a lot of people to you. Even too many. And you're right. The tough thing is, one of the only clear thoughts we ever have is to make more of ourselves. Sure, it started to get out of hand decades ago, but in our defense, we did completely ignore it. How could we have avoided the severely exacerbated problem we have today?

It should be noted that before the population got as out of control as it is, there were devised many safe methods of avoiding pregnancy, which one of the most influential institutions in the world fought against vehemently. Also, there were gay people, who literally could not have children together. We didn't let them get married. 'Cause, ya know.

Of course, you're not the 7 billionth person ever. Including the dead people, there have been at least like 100 billion people. We think. No one was really counting for a while, especially before numbers existed. Also evolution (which is real. Please think it's real) makes things a little confusing. As our early primate ancestors transitioned into us, there were probably a few really hairy guys for a while who made the count a little fuzzy (lol*).

But still, being number 7 billionish approximately is pretty exciting! I sincerely hope your place in a list doesn't remain the only interesting thing about you (see: Delaware). But seriously, enjoy yourself here. Don't live too fast. Don't live too slow, either. I didn't want to tell you this, but we realized recently we're actually slowly destroying the Earth, as we speak. We haven't stopped yet because some rich people aren't really into the idea.

I look forward to the day when you can understand any of what I've written here. I'm not sure what country you were born in, but I hope you can understand English. And irony.

Enjoy your stay!

*Lol means "Laughing out loud." No person who writes lol is ever laughing out loud.

-Joe

Has Anyone Seen My Temper?

2011-09-30T01:10:00.000-04:00

When someone has an anger problem we say they have a bad temper. But when they get angry we say they lost their temper. Well if they have a bad temper, wouldn't it be good to lose it? If you have a bad temper I would think getting angry is more like finding your temper. "Oh shit, he found his temper. Let's get out of here." But we also say "He has a temper," and that means the same thing. Can a temper ever be good? We never say someone has a good temper. Then it might be bad to lose it. "Oh he lost his temper? That's a shame. It was such a good temper."

-Joe

Soul Mates: Do the Math

2011-08-17T19:04:00.000-04:00

I don't believe in soul mates. And before you start crying for me, let me explain.

Compatibility is one thing. But when someone starts saying that everyone has one person placed on this earth for them, I have to stop and wonder, "Really? Who put them here?"

Well, God, of course.

Sigh. Okay, let's take a look at this.

So God created the Earth, what, 6,000 years ago? As long as we're playing make believe, let's go with that. God creates the heavens and the earth - I guess he outsourced the rest of the universe - then he makes Adam and Eve. And I assume they were soul mates. I mean, I would hope, right? They were made for each other. Well, Eve was made for Adam, because men are superior to women and women were created to please men (citation: the freaking Bible).

Now Adam and Eve have kids. Cain and Seth find wives - one of many examples of deus ex machina in the Bible. God may be one hell (sorry) of an earth-creator, but he could use work on his creative writing. But the kids find wives. Now, were they soul mates? They were the first people to go find soul mates. Did humans have to develop their soul mate-finding ability? Or was it a natural trait? I guess if we're going with religion, everything is a natural trait.

And nevermind religion. How did this work before the Internet? These days some guy from Idaho meets a woman from Tokyo on Eharmony and they say "We're soul mates!" Well it's a good thing you were born in 1974 then, and Al Gore created the Internet, and a series of accidents happened that made you meet each other, otherwise this wouldn't have worked out so well. For a long time in our existence people didn't travel that much or move very far away from their homes. Were soul mates just born closer to each other back then, and when the Internet started God took some liberties and started putting them farther apart? Why? For fun? Is life just a big game of Find The Soul Mate?

Millions of people in history have had arranged marriages. Did they all miss out on soulmatedom? Or did the parents get it right every time? As you know, marriage was a sacred bond between a man and the widest-hipped 14-year-old girl money could buy.

And what about divorce? A lot of people think they've found their soul mate and then get divorced. Seems to me if someone's your soul mate, you would never get divorced. Can you think you've found your soul mate and be wrong? Would anyone want to get with you if your reason was "Well, it didn't work out with my soul mate, but you'll do"? Seems like kind of a shitty system.

Could it be that we're not that special? Maybe God just likes stories, and created us to tell them. Maybe we're just porn for God. Maybe we're porn for God, but God tells his wife he watches for the stories. Like a cosmic True Blood. Either way, it's much more likely than "He loves us and wants us to be happy."

-Joe

Cuba is so GAY

2011-08-15T00:18:00.000-04:00

Corporations count as people, and men who like dicks can't enter a private legal arrangement.

That's true.

Think about it. Our government actually spends time arguing about how the fun parts you like should affect who you can visit in a hospital. You hear about this stuff and it sounds stupid, but really take a minute to picture it actually happening. A lesbian comes into the hospital:

Lesbian: Hi, can I visit my partner?
Receptionist: Sure. Oh wait, you both have vaginas? Sorry. Rules is rules.

And now Cuba is more accepting of gays than America. A marriage between a gay man and a transgendered woman is being counted as Cuba's first gay marriage. Because Fidel Castro's fucking brother is more progressive than Barack the fuck Obama. What is this world we live in?

Check out the article here, you worthless peasants.

Sorry, I didn't mean to call you worthless peasants. I love you guys. But not in like a "Let's move to Cuba" kind of way.

The most amazing part is that they felt the need to say "their marriage is not meant as a provocation." Should anyone ever have to say that? "Yeah, I'm getting married. But not to be a dick or anything. I know us getting married seems like a shitty thing to do to you, but really, we're not trying to be assholes or nuthin'. We just like fucking each other, and we wanna share healthcare or whutevs. That cool?"

-Joe

Through the Eyes of a Child

2011-07-27T13:43:00.001-04:00

Haven't written in a while. And this is based on something I already wrote. Get over it.

_______________________________________________________________

I’m sick of people saying they’d rather just be a kid again. Which part of childhood are you thinking of? People telling you what to do in school, or people telling you what to do at home? Yeah, being an adult is awful. Oh, I’m so scared of moving out of my parents’ house. Yeah, that’s gonna suck.

Yeah I’d love to go back in time to childhood. Especially with the perspective I have now. This way I could actually watch the damage happen firsthand. Oh, this is when my family yelled at me for asking a simple question. So that’s why I have a crippling fear of human interaction. What a fun trip down memory lane!

I’m sick of people telling me what the best part of my life was. Does anyone ever tell you “High school is the greatest time of your life”? If you enjoyed high school, you’re either lying or you’re an asshole. Sure, the guys that called me a faggot in gym class seemed like they were really into the whole thing.

The kids in high school now have the “It Gets Better” campaign. What, no teenagers killed themselves when I was in school? It was just a few years ago I was in high school, and we didn’t have “It Gets Better.” We had “This is It. Get Used to It.”

-Joe

The Tale of the Sky Wizard

2011-06-22T12:36:00.001-04:00

Here is a dialogue I imagine occurred at several points in history.

_______________________________________________

A tribal leader calls a meeting in the center of the village.

Tribal leader: Hey guys, listen up. I have a great idea. People shouldn't kill each other.

Tribesman 1: Hey, that is a great idea.

Tribesman 2: Yeah, how did you think of that?

Leader: I didn't. Actually a magical sky wizard told me and had me pass the message on to you.

Tribesman 3: Holy shit, if the magical sky wizard hadn't stepped in I would have killed all of you in your sleep tonight, since there's no reason for me not to. Until now, that is, given the sky wizard and all.

Leader: That's not all. I just found some people nearby who don't believe in the sky wizard.

Tribesman 1: They don't believe in the sky wizard you told us exists moments ago?

Tribesman 2: So...they could kill at any time, thinking they have no threat of the sky wizard's wrath.

Tribesman 4: Yeah, but they've never done anything to us before.

Tribesman 1: But you can't prove they won't, stupid.

Tribesman 2: Yeah. I say we kill them all right now before they kill us.

Leader: I literally see no other option.

After sacrificing Tribesman 4 for his blasphemy against the sky wizard, they rape and kill every member of the other tribe. And they never paid taxes again.

The End

-Joe

Unhappy in the Meantime

2011-06-08T02:40:00.000-04:00

Why can't I handle when bad things happen in my life?

More importantly, why can't I handle when good things happen in my life?

I don't think I'll be happy until I can achieve some sort of neutral existence where literally nothing happens to me. Nothing good, nothing bad.

School was terrible, so I had panic attacks. I went home and felt better. No more panic attacks. Maybe it was just the stress of school causing it.

Now I'm at home, taking one class at a time at community college until I finish up my degree, having relatively no difficulty. I had a very successful audition on Sunday. So, of course, it's time to panic again. It makes sense to feel a phantom concentrated crushing pain in your head after a series of successes, right? It's all part of being a regular, well-adjusted person, I'm sure.

Once you've worried that you're not worried enough, I think it's fair to be institutionalized. Maybe not necessary. I'm not really a threat to anyone. I'm just saying if someone tried to argue that I'm unfit to function in society, I wouldn't have much to fire back with.

Stress is an evolutionary trait. It's a defense mechanism. Stress helped us know when to run from lions and shit. But what's the point of my stress if it just makes me stand there and go "Fuck, a lion. This won't end well. Why do we need lions anyway? What have lions ever done for me? If I could just leave Africa this wouldn't happen anymore."

-Joe

Buy a brand new computer. Now with shame!

2011-05-19T03:25:00.002-04:00

Hey blog, it's been way too long. I see they haven't come up with a less stupid word for you yet.

I've been busy leaving Ithaca for hopefully the last time ever. I still have stuff to finish at community college, unfortunately. So I didn't so much graduate from Ithaca, it's more like I've been doing things at Ithaca for four years and now I'm going to stop doing things at Ithaca. There's no diploma for that.

Anyway, here is one of many things I'm writing about robots.
________________________________

Tired of emotionless electronics? Want to make a robot cry? Do you wish you could emotionally scar inanimate objects? When you smack the side of your TV, do you want it to actually hurt?

Well, the wait is over. Technology is in development to make machines feel regret, so that they feel bad if they don't do something well and try harder next time. Direct quote from popsci: "Working with funding from Google, [researchers at Tel Aviv University] hope to make computers understand what it's like to pursue an outcome only to be disappointed."

Um...why?

First of all, you should hear the things I say to my computer when it does anything slightly slower than my demented future brain wants. The last thing I need is to go "Fucking computer," then have it go "Sorry..." in computer sad voice. Come on. I already feel bad about half the things I say to people. Why add to the list of relationships I can damage?

Maybe we've just run out of groups to oppress. Women, blacks...gays are on the way out. What's left? Make your own sub-race. Build-A-Slave.

What is the idea behind this? Since humans are perfect, let's make robots into people. That's what robots are missing. Let's intentionally subject machines to things that land us in therapy.

I'm not sure I would recommend being human if someone had the choice. If you had a baby and the choice was regular baby or baby without the capacity for crippling guilt and self-loathing, which would you go with?

-Joe

Business as Usual

2011-05-06T16:35:00.002-04:00

The past 30 years has shown us that it is almost never reasonable to say, “The free market will take care of it.” I think it is very rare that this statement is not connected to greed or ignorance. It’s time to stop calling people communists or stupid when they don’t think this way.

Now, if the issue was “We really need to find someone who can ass rape the entire population of America,” and there were people saying “Well keep big business out of that,” then I would say yeah, these people don’t know what they’re talking about. Leave forced anal penetration to the professionals.

-Joe

The Song Remains the Same. The Singer, However...

2011-05-05T17:42:00.001-04:00

I appreciate Jimmy Fallon's taste in music. I, too, enjoy bands like Guns N' Roses and Twisted Sister. It's sad, though, that Fallon has only gotten to introduce these bands WAY past their prime.

First, watch this video of the new GNR (which has since changed lineup several more times) (and is really just Axl Rose with some people) playing Welcome to the Jungle at the 2002 VMAs. You won't make it all the way through.

Jimmy Fallon introduced them, it's just not in the video. So shut up.

I'm sorry you had to see that. Now, watch this video of the actual GNR playing the same song at the 1988 VMAs. Don't worry, he can't hurt you.

You alright? Let's move on.

Now, here is Jimmy Fallon introducing Twisted Sister on Late Night, like, two weeks ago, playing I Am, I'm Me. In case you didn't know Twisted Sister is still active, now you can't unknow that.
http://www.latenightwithjimmyfallon.com/video/Twisted-Sister-I-Am-Im-Me-42611/1322742

Now, the same song, performed in 1983.

Okay, so he was never Freddie Mercury. This is Twisted Sister. Twisted "Grain of Salt" Sister. Nonetheless, point made. I never said this would be my cleverest post ever. We're done here.

-Joe

I Need to Stop Reading Christian Pamphlets

2011-05-01T03:59:00.000-04:00

There is a Christian periodical called Awake, I learned today, and I somehow acquired a copy of their September 2010 issue titled "Loneliness: How Can You Cope?"

Now, the fact that their solution to "loneliness" caused by lack of human interaction due to "Cell-phone calls, text messages, e-mail, online social networks, {and} chat rooms," - chat rooms, because it's 1996 - is not seeking out humans but rather talking to God raises problems of its own. Sick of talking to people you can hear but can't see? Try this person who appeals to exactly zero of your senses.

Also, the pamphlet suggests, in more than one instance, that teenagers should spend time with single adults to relieve their loneliness. I assume they only mean adults they can trust, though. Like Priests.

But these are not the points I want to make. The most interesting part of the pamphlet was actually the letters to the editor about previous issues. Take this one:

Abortion - Not a Trouble-Free Solution

Thank you for your series of articles on the subject of abortion. When I was in my 20's, I chose to have an abortion, an act I have regretted profoundly. If I did not know the truth now, I would feel hopeless. I am so thankful that I have a hope and know of Jehovah's forgiveness.

Let's start with the title. I'm glad she chose the title she did, because it is generally understood among liberals and non-believers that abortion is quick and easy. That's why it is usually a first resort. I'm glad she cleared that up.

This one whoever regrets her decision, proof that abortion should be illegal for anyone ever.

Also, if she knows "the truth" now, how does she know how she would feel if she did not know it?

But the most unbelievable, poetically absurd part of this whole thing is the following letter, printed directly beside the above letter:

A Silent Voice That Can Be Heard

I was really encouraged by this article about Hillary, who has Rett syndrome. My five-year-old grandchild is unable to see, hear, walk, talk, or sit. I have come to hope that when I sing, read, talk, and stroke or massage him, something is happening in his brain. I cried when I read the words of Hillary's mother: 'Even though I can't hear what she says, Jehovah can.' It helped me realize that although my grandchild can't say words, Jehovah can hear the voice of his heart.

No. If you can't say words, you don't have words. There are none, and they aren't.

I'm not sure if the kid was born with this condition or acquired it, but if I've ever heard a case for abortion, or fucking euthanasia, for that matter, it's the kid who literally can't do a single thing. Name a thing you do every day without thinking about it. He can't do it. Oh, he must just sit there, then. No. He can't do that. Yes, sitting. Not a thing he does, ever. He just stands around not reacting to anything.

That was my initial reaction - I realized soon after he probably lays in a bed rather than standing in a corner somewhere. That's slightly less bizarre and horrifying. I guess.

To sum up what we've learned from this, I suppose we can say even if your baby is going to have Rett Syndrome, don't abort it. Especially if you're lonely. This way, at least you can spend some quality time with your child who can literally only be fed and can't do a single other thing.

Remember, life is sacred.

-Joe

The Virtue of Yelling at Children

2011-04-21T16:42:00.000-04:00

I used to work with kids. And you might find this hard to believe, but I got fired. Well, I screamed at a 6-year-old. He was doing something wrong, I didn’t just do it. But it turns out my former employer, let’s call them Young Men Can’t be Assholes, frowns upon that, so they “let me go.” Free at last! From money.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to tell a kid he’s not special. Whenever I tell this story, people say, “Joe, he’s just a kid.” Yeah, he’s a shitty kid. Why can’t a kid be a bad person? There are shitty adults. Where do you think they come from?

Yeah, he’s just a kid. Then when he gets to high school and shoots someone, they say, “Where did we go wrong? Maybe we shouldn’t have let him listen to Marilyn Manson.” Maybe you should have told him to stop being a shitty kid. Did you ever think of that?

I did love that job, though, and there were some great kids. I think it made me realize I wanted to be a father. There was this one girl, this 6-year-old girl the first year I had the job who I just had this great connection with. This beautiful, transcendental thing, I never felt so needed, it was incredible. And that’s how I saw it – it was almost like having a daughter. But when I would tell people about this, on several occasions, the reaction was “That’s such a great story, maybe in 20 years you’ll meet again and get married.” Why is that what comes to mind? Is this how people think of me? “Oh, you met a really nice 6-year-old girl? Maybe one day you’ll have sex with her.”

People treat kids like they’re stupid, though. That’s one thing I learned there. If you just explain things to a kid they usually get it. You don’t have to bullshit them.

When California was voting on prop 8 to ban gay marriage, they ran this ad where a bunch of kids were asking questions about gay marriage, because they heard about it from their teachers in school – a terrible place to learn about different types of people.

So they ask the dumbest questions, like “If my dad married a man, who would be my mom?” You wouldn’t have one, you fucking idiot. If your kid asks that, you’ve got a stupid kid, and that’s no gay person’s fault. That’s when I was sure it was scripted; only an adult could think of something so stupid. Also, clearly none of these kids in the ad have gay parents, so of course they’re confused. The kid with two dads isn’t sitting there thinking, “Wait, something’s wrong. There’s too many penises here.”

I think it’s way more confusing if a kid asks about politics. Try explaining that to them. “What’s a Democrat? A Democrat is a person who seems well intentioned but usually ends up disappointing everyone. What’s a Republican? A Republican is a shitty person.”

-Joe

Ithaca College Stand Up - 3/9/11

2011-04-20T15:29:00.000-04:00

My recent set at Ithaca.

You may recognize some material from this very blog!

-Joe

Writer of Schoolyard Epithets Speaks Out

2011-04-17T12:44:00.001-04:00

Ronnie Finnegan, 76, has left quite an impressive legacy in his career. No, not his career as a state government worker. No one really cares about that. But in his lifelong career of children’s humor writing, “pretty good” hardly does him justice.

Don’t let the term fool you; Finnegan is not an author of children’s joke books, but rather the original writer of many playground word-play jokes and put-downs that are still around today. Sure, in childhood we all had hours of fun calling fat kids “Lard ass,” and who hasn’t thrown around an “I know you are but what am I?” in their day? But have you ever wondered where these phrases come from? We wondered, too, so we tracked down Finnegan at his home in Hackensack, New Jersey.

Finnegan, born 1935 in Brooklyn, New York, was always a clever child. He recalled his disappointment in the neighborhood bullies he grew up with and their “weak” fighting words like “Excuse me, but it seems your mother has put on some weight,” which they would utter before beating him senseless. He craved more creative insults than his oppressors would provide.

As he grew up, Finnegan started to take charge of the playground, spreading his unconventional schoolyard insults and pushing out his old and tired predecessors. It seems quaint now, but when Finnegan coined “butthead” in 1941, it was revolutionary.

“That created a whole world of ‘head’ jokes,” Finnegan explained. “Butthead, poop head, dumb head, stupid head. You can trace that all back to me. And of course the poop and butt jokes branched off into a genre of their own.”

As time went on, Finnegan honed his material and started to expand his craft.

“Things really got interesting around summer of ’43,” he said. “That’s when I started writing stuff you really had to think about. Rubber buns and liquor, orange you glad I didn’t say banana. I was really starting to figure out who I was as a bully.”

Finnegan was always miles ahead of his fellow bully artists, using existential insults like “Na na na na na” and blue material like “buttmunch” and “dingleberry” before it was cool.

“Nobody even knew what a dingleberry was. I picked it up from my uncle, but no one ever thought to call a person that before. I was the hot new kid on the scene for a while.”

Finnegan did have regrets in his career, in particular, pantsing. “I wasn’t too proud of that one,” he said. “That was when I dabbled in physical comedy. Made me realize I was meant for something bigger.

Finnegan’s career faded when 6^th grade came along. Swearing for swearing’s sake became more popular than his thought-provoking material around that time, and he was old news. Fathers were coming back from the war, where they had picked up nasty words. They passed it on to their kids, and that became the preferred schoolyard talk.

Finnegan tried to revitalize his career when his family moved to New Jersey that year, but by then his material had spread. Everyone was using it, and no one believed he was the originator. Many others claimed to be the authors as well.

When asked about today’s young artists, Finnegan explained that he is not impressed with their work.

“These kids today are lazy,” he said. “They don’t realize that bullying and playground joking is a serious art. You can’t just make some homo kill himself. That’s too easy.”

He added that when today’s kids do use written material, they often steal his work without giving him credit.

“I hear these kids the other day ask someone’s name, ask what color’s the sky, then point up and have them say the direction, so they make the person say that they blew up. I was doing that bit back in ’45. It worked as a put-down, and it also served as a statement about the Japanese looking at the sky before they blew up. It was topical. Why do these hack kids think they can get away with doing it now?”

Finnegan has continued writing throughout his life, providing some material for his children and grandchildren. This year he will be presented with the lifetime achievement award. Be sure to catch his critically acclaimed one-man show, Ronnie Who?, now playing at the Ambassador Theatre in Manhattan, to witness the incredible life story of this American legend.

-Joe

If I Were A White Boy

2011-04-01T06:31:00.000-04:00

I don’t want to be in any situation where somebody calls me “boy.” It just seems like it can’t be good. “So, you seem to like my sister…boy.”

And especially not “white boy.” If someone calls me that with that attitude…”white boy…” it seems like that’s a situation I have no way out of. “Yeah, I may be a white boy, but you…I…at least I didn’t…” But don’t get me wrong, if I had like, some cool black friends who would say “Hey, white boy, what’s happenin’?” that would be awesome. Does anyone want to be black friends with me?

-Joe Messina

You Forget How Much Better it Gets

2011-03-28T13:48:00.000-04:00

I’m just getting to the age where I’m starting to forget all the terrible things about childhood. Pretty soon I can start telling kids that high school is the greatest time of their lives, and it’s “all downhill from there!” Yeah, having your own money and not living with your parents sucks.

-Joe

The American Daydream

2011-03-08T23:51:00.002-05:00

This is sort of based on another thing I wrote here a while ago as well, but severely edited for performance. Enjoy.
________________________________________________________________
I want to work hard in my life so I can provide a better life for my children, then tell them they don't know how good they have it. That's the American Dream.

That's what my parents did for my sisters and me. They worked hard and moved our family to Connecticut so we wouldn't have to live in New York City. And living in Connecticut gave us great opportunities so we could be successful and afford to move to New York.

It's the same way our European ancestors came to this country - at least those of us who are real Americans - and worked really hard so that one day we could vacation in Europe. They tried so hard to get out of Europe, because Europe was a terrible place, and now it's an economic achievement to go to Europe and say, “Look, son, that’s where your Great Grandfather sat thinking ‘I need to get the fuck out of here.’”

-Joe

Lady Gag Me

2011-02-20T01:39:00.000-05:00

Ok, so Lady Gaga is an Improv Everywhere stunt, right? That's the only logical explanation for this whole "Look at this, isn't this weird?" thing she has going (which is one of the few things she has going). I've been over this many times - the whole monster thing, the meat dress, the egg, and the only thing I can come up with is guerilla theater.

It's okay if Lady Gaga is just a guerilla theater piece, I just don't think most guerilla theater artists are interesting enough people to make real art, so you get a lot of stupid things like "I'm wearing clothes that are rather unusual, unlike most people here. Isn't that wacky?"

I feel about Lady Gaga the way many of us feel about Obama right now; she first shows up after a long period of music as usual, and we think things are gonna be different this time. She doesn't have the conventional looks of a pop star. She writes her own music, and it's actually sort of decent and original. We feel pretty good about it, so we leave it to her to bring about change. But then, before you know it, she puts out "Born This Way," and sings it while coming out of an egg (Get it? Do you fucking get it?!). And she still hasn't brought the troops home from Afghanistan. So then we realize, oh, she's just an uninteresting pop star.

Never mind that she's not the first to wear a meat dress, and that Spinal tap emerged from pods on stage 25 years ago. The problem is, she is Spinal Tap, only her music is bad and she doesn't make me laugh. She has an unjustifiably high opinion of herself, and wants so much to be relevant and cool and make a difference, but either doesn't have the mental capacity to do so, or would rather keep the idea of being revolutionary going as long as possible than actually do anything.

Maybe I should start listening to Libertarian singers.

-Joe

(I Hope for a) Valentine's Day Massacre

2011-02-14T16:56:00.008-05:00

I would like to speak in defense of Valentine's Day. This may not mean much coming from a guy who has been in a relationship for two and a half years, but as a guy who wished a long time for my current situation, I urge you to take a minute to consider your venomous opinions about the holiday.

Why do you hate it? You hate it because you're not in a relationship. I know this. I have said silly things like "I hate Valentine's Day" before. But I am convinced you wouldn't hate it if you were in a relationship. I don't particularly like Valentine's Day. I realize it's commercial bullshit. But don't hide behind "It's commercial bullshit," because you won't be saying that the day someone buys you chocolate. I take no issue in a day to celebrate love, be it with my girlfriend or anyone else I love, so why not make it February 14? She's not stupid. It's not like she wouldn't like chocolate if Russell-Stover didn't sell it in heart-shaped boxes once a year. So I got over it and bought her some damn chocolate. Because she likes it.

If you have a worthwhile significant other, they won't expect you to spend tons of money on it. You're not saying anything new by claiming Valentine's Day is commercial bullshit. It's no secret. Why else would it take place during the time of the year you can't just go pick free flowers? Do the math. If you and your partner really both can't stand the idea of the holiday, boycott it (quietly. Don't be a fucking loudmouth hippie about it) and do it in the summer. It's disingenuous and self-centered to complain about couples when you're not in one and join right in the commercialism when you are.

Also, it's senseless to get particularly upset on this one arbitrary day that you're not in a relationship. How can you complain about the commercial bullshit and then turn around and do exactly what it wants you to do, which is believe that you need to be in a relationship? If I hear one more of my fucking early 20s peers say "I'm going to die alone," they will. Just wait a while before you start complaining to me. I know Jennifer Aniston would have you believe it takes roughly 90 minutes, but it may take some time.

But what do I know? I'm just one of those obnoxious happy people.

-Joe

Animal Elimination Front

2011-02-10T00:52:00.006-05:00

Here's the scene: my dorm/apartment, September 2010. My roommate (@heismaxbarth on twitter) and I were having some trouble with mice, and we were discussing what to do about it. A few people were over hanging out. Why our room remained the hangout place even during the mouse problem I'll never know.

I posed an open question, something to the effect of "What's the best kind of mouse trap? The sticky ones?" And a girl answered, "Don't those make the mice die really slowly?" I looked at her. "What's your point?" I asked, without a second thought. The look on her face suggested she disapproved.

But why? What's with these people dictating the manner in which I am supposed to treat invaders in my home? These are the same people who, when someone is attacked by a shark, turn around and say "Well, you invaded the shark's living space. What would you do if a shark came into your house?" Good point. I'd probably kill it. Fuck the shark, this is my house. So why does this apply to your analogy justifying human suffering, but not to my not wanting a mouse in my room?

-Joe

Generations (stand up version)

2011-02-08T13:05:00.010-05:00

Yes, this is the same topic as my last post. Believe it or not, I've made it my senior writing project in school to write these things and convert some of them into stand up bits. So here is the stand up version of my previous post. Enjoy my homework.

_______________________________________________________________

You know, the kids aren't reading enough these days. That's what whoever says things is saying. The current generation, these kids born in the mid to late 90s, are surrounded by too much technology. They're texting too much, so they're not reading. But I would disagree. They're reading the texts, right? They read Wikipedia. And I think we can agree, Wikipedia is words that can be read. We do that too - we're not that much older than they are. I spend a lot of time reading Wikipedia when I’m supposed to be reading other things. As a result I don't know much about Shakespeare but I can tell you exactly how old Bob Saget is*.

Because people said our generation didn't read enough either, didn't they? Our thing I guess was video games. We read some stupid shit like Goosebumps and Animorphs, but mostly we played video games. Complete waste of time.

But think about it, wasn't the previous generation not reading enough because they were watching too much MTV? And before that the youth were wasting all their time fighting the Vietnam War. I’m just saying you can go back pretty far and find the reasons why older people thought younger people weren’t reading enough.

And there must have been a time when reading first became popular, and at some point in history someone must have said, "This generation is wasting all their time reading." Well, if you're reading, you're not hunting, or picking berries, or fucking. We need more food and people, and you're sitting on your ass expanding your mind, you lazy piece of shit. Critical thought never got anyone anywhere. I work really hard all the time so that you can work really hard all the time and this is how you repay me?

*54

-Joe

Speaking in Regards to My Cohort

2011-01-24T13:49:00.006-05:00

If you read about Generation Z - that is, people born roughly between the early 1990s and early 2010s, or, now - on Wikipedia, which I assume contains truth because I'm a no good god damn late Generation Y technology age bastard, you will see that Generation Z is the first generation born into the Internet/ cell phone age. If Generation Y ends around 1989 or '90, then it includes people my age, and we can remember a time, specifically the very end of a time, when personal computers were a novelty and not a permeating factor in nearly every aspect of life every day, and hardly anyone had their own cell phone or laptop, and these technologies were not nearly as advanced as the devices of today. And surely those born in 1990, '91, '92 also have some vague memories of the tail-end of the pre-digital era.

But then you get into the mid to late '90s. See my post about fuckers born in 1995 claiming to be "90s kids." The earliest memories of someone born in 1997 occurred during the Internet age. He probably got a cell phone when he was 10. He can text better than he can speak. He was born into technology, the same way any of us born after the invention of the telephone or TV accepted these things as a given.

The problem, some lame-ass old people go on to say, is that this inherited technology is fucking with the kids' brains. They don't know how to talk to people anymore, because they spend too much time texting and talking on that damn face book that Jesse Eisenberg downloaded to the web. And worst of all, they're not even reading.

Between 4 and 15 years ago when I was supposed to be reading shit in school lots of people told me I wasn't reading enough. They even said that our generation as a whole didn't read enough, because of those damn video games, and many of us were born a good decade before the Information Age kids. I'm sure the generation before us didn't read enough because of their VHS tapes and the MTVs. Before that it was rock n' roll. Before that it was wearing jeans. I'm sure you could go back a long way and consistently find the reasons the aging generations came up with to explain why the new generation wasn't reading enough.

I'd be willing to bet that at some point in history, when reading became popular, people said "This generation is wasting all their time reading." Think about it, if you're reading, you're not hunting, you're not building shit, you're not picking berries or spreading your seeds - semen or berry seeds. We need more berries, we need more people, we need more stuff, and we need some dead animals, and you're sitting there learning shit and expanding your mind, you lazy fuck. I work really hard all the time so that you can work really hard all the time and this is how you repay me?

Maybe it's not the end of the world every time there are new things?

Hippy Hippy Bang Bang

2011-01-12T09:59:00.006-05:00

Unfortunately this is not the first time I've had to say this, but I feel the need to say a few words in defense of Sarah Palin.

Don't get me wrong. I think she's stupid and evil and shouldn't be in charge of anything anywhere at any time. However, as much as she enjoys hunting poorly, she hasn't shot any people, last weekend in Arizona or any other time.

I received an email from Moveon.org today - actually, it wasn't moveon, but it might as well have been. Let's just call them the LRA - Liberal Reactionary Association. Anyway, the LRA sent me a petition - a mother god damn fucking ass shit petition - to get Palin to denounce the violent acts of Skinhead McGee. Good. This arm-bearing patriot may get off with an insanity plea, and you're using your time and resources to nail Political Snooki for making a bad gun metaphor.

Let's pretend I'm a Liberal for a second, for the sake of argument. Every time a Leftist goes nuts and kills a bunch of people, we hate when Conservatives group us all together and find asinine scapegoats like Michael Moore or Marilyn Manson. Many Liberals stood up for the "Ground Zero Mosque" - the one that was neither at Ground Zero nor a Mosque - because we believe that nonviolent, law-abiding Muslims should be afforded the same religious beliefs as everyone else, i.e. the original fucking reason for America's existence, and also that nonviolent, law-abiding Muslims should not have to answer for the violent acts of a small percentage of extremists in their religion. A lot of these Conservative assholes didn't want to let the not-Mosque go through until the Muslim leaders involved condemned the actions of Muslim terrorists. So how is making Sarah Palin justify the actions of a crazy person who shot a bunch of people any different from making nonviolent American Muslims justify 9/11?

A crazy person shot people this weekend. If we're going to be hateful, let's all be hateful together towards this asshole. He's gonna go free because you're all sitting around waiting for the TV to tell you who to blame. Blame the guy who did it. It wasn't Sarah Palin, it wasn't Michael Moore, it wasn't music or movies or TV or religion. It was a crazy guy.

-Joe

Assholephobia

2010-12-25T02:11:00.003-05:00

I would say I'm scared of heights. It's a rational fear. But any time you say that, there's always some condescending idiot who goes "I'm not scared of heights, I'm scared of falling from heights!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Cute. I get it. Didn't realize I was friends with Jerry fucking Seinfeld over here.

The possibility of falling is what's scary about heights. When I say I'm scared of heights, that's what I mean. I'm not scared of being above things.

If I said I was scared of planes, would you say "I'm not scared of planes, I'm scared of plane crashes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"? Yeah that's not me. I'm scared of convenience. I'm really scared of people bringing me things while I sit in a chair and someone takes me exactly where I want to go really quickly.

The next time someone tells me he's scared of falling from heights, I'm taking him to the George Washington bridge and hanging him off the edge by his ankles. I won't drop him, just let him hang there. Then we'll see if he thinks heights themselves can be scary.

-Joe

Institutes of Higher Retardation

2010-12-06T17:44:00.006-05:00

In the spring, my friend, fellow comedian, and roommate Max Barth is headed to London, so as our third and final semester in this shitty on-campus apartment together comes to a close, we thought it'd be fun to reminisce about all the things in this room that have broken during our time here, and the college's near criminal neglect regarding these issues after we promptly reported the problems through the proper channels.

1. They threw out all of our dishes

First and foremost, the most famous incident, when we returned this semester from summer break, we found that all of our dishes, cups, utensils, cooking materials, etc., had disappeared. This was strange to us, as we had received confirmation from both our resident assistant and resident director that, despite the absolutely reasonable policy that we must remove everything from the room over the summer even though we were moving back in next semester, we could leave the above items as long as they were clean and put away. A residential life official treated me like a liar and a criminal about it, and I swore in his face. It took a while, but we got them to give us $200. And the RD no longer works here. We're hoping it's related.

2. An outlet stopped working for no reason.

3. Another outlet stopped working for no reason.

4. A bedroom light went out and took them days to replace.

5. A kitchen light went out and took them days to replace.

6. They threw out all of our dishes.

7. The microwave broke - when we returned this semester, we could use the express cook, and pause it by opening the door. That's it. Took weeks to replace.

8. They brought another microwave after someone had already replaced it.

9. Days when the toilet doesn't back up are unusual.

10. At least two mice.

11. Mold - When we first moved in, the furniture was covered in mold. We came back one day to a note that said the mold had been "taken care off."

12. Occasional brown sink water.

13. They threw out our motherfucking dishes.

14. The wireless (which they just got this year) is atrocious. Throughout campus, but this room is no exception.

15. The towel rack in the bathroom broke, because I hung a towel on it.

16. When they reattached the bases of the towel rack, they put them too far apart and the bar wouldn't stay in. We had to call them back to fix it again.

17. Fridge broke.

18. The sliding door lock broke. This door leads directly to the outside, and the apartments are some of the most robbed dorms on campus. It was fairly late at night, so I called public safety and asked about emergency maintenance. They said, "We have a guy...is it something you need fixed tonight?" But they did fix it.

19. The sliding door handle broke.

20. The sliding door handle broke off completely before they came to fix the first break (they still haven't come as of this post, three days later).

21. The sliding screen door won't close.

22. They fucking threw out our god damn dishes. This actually only happened once, but seriously, fuck them.

And that's what I learned in college: People suck at their jobs and don't care about your safety or well-being.

-Joe

O Little Town of Hackensack

2010-12-05T03:12:00.010-05:00

Sometimes, I hate this country.

Sometimes it seems like we're just a little too free. You may have heard that the Allied Atheist Alliance/United Atheist Alliance/Unified Atheist League put up a billboard at the New Jersey side of the Lincoln Tunnel showing the wise men traveling to see Jesus, and the words "You know it's a myth. This season, celebrate reason."

Well I'm convinced. The atheists really know how to sell it. "Christians believe in myths, so come to our side. We're just complete dicks."

You know what's a myth? That atheists don't try to brainwash you as much as any religious fanatics.

Christians aren't off the hook here, though. The Catholic League decided that, since the hungry were fed and the homeless were housed, it was worth spending $20,000 on a "You know it's real. This season, celebrate Jesus" billboard at the other end, the Manhattan side of the tunnel.

Again, can't argue with that. So now, I'm expected to drive by and think: "'You know it's a myth.' Hey, yeah, they're right! Fuck Jesus! Oh, wait a minute, what's this? 'You know it's real'? Yeah, I guess it is real. Good thing there are no more super persuasive atheist billboards on this route. Either way, thank the Lord I'm out of New Jersey."

I don't see how someone celebrating Christmas differently from how you do would make your celebration any less meaningful, which I'm sure will be the atheist/liberal argument when the conservatives try to pass the Defense of Christmas Act.

I can understand the Christians' plight here, though. There is definitely a War on Christmas. It's becoming secularized, and it will be a sad, sad day when Christmas is something that everyone can share and brings us all together as people. There's nothing Christian about that.

-Joe

Hi to Me

2010-11-26T03:15:00.006-05:00

I was walking around campus recently - I was going somewhere, I wasn't just wandering - and I saw this girl I knew from a class. We had done a group project together earlier in the semester, and after that never really talked again. But anyway, we're walking past each other, I say hi, and she looks at me, smiles, and says "Hey, it's been a while," then looks away almost immediately, completely expressionless.

Aren't you supposed to pretend you give a shit about me for another second or so? At least while I'm in eyeshot, I'd think. I thought it was a glitch in the Matrix.

Also, isn't "Hey, it's been a while," usually followed by something? I don't think "It's been a while" is usually the extent of an interaction. No "It's been a while, how are you?" or "It's a shame that it's been a while"? Is she an alien struggling to assimilate? "We have not communicated in some time. Bye now. Whistle, whistle."

She must have seen me and thought "Oh shit, it's that guy. I guess I have to say something. I mean, I don't know him that well. Not in a way that I really want to say hi, but in a way that I probably should. But we've had conversations and stuff, even if it was just about the powerpoint, I guess I know him well enough to say more than hi. Not that much more. Definitely not a full-stop conversation. Maybe a quick pause. Like one of those where you both slow down a little and turn around and walk backwards while you talk. The in-a-hurry pause. Maybe--Damn, this is the moment--

--Oh, hey, it's been a...it's been...time, has passed. Shit."

-Joe

Demo Graphic

2010-11-22T17:56:00.008-05:00

As a man, one experiences an interesting paradox at one point or another in his life. It's a condition where you can deplore the actions of a young, slutty girl, and yet continue to watch her and enjoy what you're seeing. It's like watching one of Miley Cyrus' more recent music videos - the ones where she shows all of her "individuality" - and saying "This is terrible, I can't believe she's doing this. I wouldn't let my daughter anywhere near something like this. Her parents should do something. Does she have any more videos like this?"

A small aside, I'd like to offer Miley a response to one of her latest songs, "Who Owns My Heart?" Seems like a lot of work to write a whole song asking such an easily answerable question. Disney owns your heart. And your tits. Mostly your tits. Oh, but forgive me, you're an individual now. Hollywood Records owns your heart and tits.

It's the same paradox that would allow you to be the most caring, loyal man in the world, and still, while sitting with your wife in the hospital, you could see Scarlett Johansson on TV out of the corner of your eye, and just for a second, you'll think about having sex with her. Not even that you would, you'll just involuntarily think about it, and completely enjoy it, even though you are completely against cheating.

And as for the second unnecessary question from Miley's new song, "Is it love, or is it art?" It's neither. It's a corporation using your young, supple body to make money, you dumb whore*. If you've read some of my previous work, you know I'm a former Miley Cyrus supporter who turned on her when she became a tit-parading cunt** who pumps out shitty dance beats on a god damn conveyor belt because it gets her more money than showing young girls they don't have to be sluts to be successful.

While we're on the subject of women selling their bodies and corporations getting women to sell their bodies so they can sell things to men, fuck T-Mobile, as hard as they think I want to fuck the empty-headed marketing tool in their stupid mac commercial parody. For those of you who haven't seen it, take 30 seconds to fucking watch it. I'll wait.

...

Fuck them, right? Do they think we're retarded? Are we supposed to see this and go "Wow, I can almost see her tits through that dress! I should buy their shitty phone." Allow me to present a revised transcription of that commercial:

Girl whore: Hi, I have tits.

Man whore: And I'm a man, so I'm stupid.

Girl whore: Who's that faggot on your back?

Man whore: Well, I have AT&T, so I'm gay and I like dicks.

Girl whore: So who's going to stick his penis in me?

Man whore: Not me, I have AT&T.

Girl whore: Bummer. I'd fuck the living shit out of anyone who had a 4G with T-Mobile.

Faggot: Well, iphone 4 can do some stupid bullshit that no one likes.

Man whore: Being gay doesn't sound so great anymore.

Girl whore: Buy this phone and girls like me will suck your cock. Unless you're a faggot.

Stop hurting the human race, you dumb assholes. This girl, by the way, is Carly Foulkes, a model, who, like many models, for some reason I can't figure out, isn't pretty. She's got a pound of makeup on her face in that commercial. So stop buying into the bullshit that models are the most attractive women among us. It's time to start boycotting these companies that treat us like neanderthals.

To reiterate my first point, however, I must say part of me enjoys that commercial.

*I suppose we have to address the "whore" question. I use the term "whore" because I feel it is the best descriptor for Miley Cyrus in the way she currently conducts herself in her career. A prostitute is someone who sells his or her body for money. As far as I'm concerned, that's what she is and does.

**I don't have any real justifiable reason for using the word "cunt." If it makes you feel any better, I call men cunts too. Bono is a cunt. There you go.

-Joe

FML Africa

2010-11-04T10:24:00.004-04:00

After I saw someone update their facebook status with a complaint about their choosing to stay up late, and then that they had NO HOT WATER when they woke up, I decided it was time to share this with the world. It's fuck my life, the Africa edition. It's exactly what you think it is. Enjoy.

-Joe

https://twitter.com/#!/FMLafrica

Artificial Injustice

2010-10-27T01:38:00.004-04:00

Apparently by 2019 we will have artificial intelligence. I was excited when I heard this, because I think robots are gonna make great slaves. The best, probably. Let’s be honest. They’ll be designed to be slaves.

But then it occurred to me, the same technology that will make them the best slaves will also make them realize they are enslaved, and that’s going to cause problems. Because then I guess they wouldn’t really be the best slaves, because the best slaves don’t know they’re enslaved. Like the American public.

That’s why black people weren’t good slaves. At some point, with their being human (contrary to popular belief), they figured out they were slaves, and they’re living beings, so they know that sucks. Then they sang the blues. What a bummer. That’s why slavery ended. It was fucking depressing. I don’t think we’ll have a terminator-style uprising – until we build terminators – but what I’m worried about is I don’t want to walk past my Laundribot 3000 and hear “Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen” in a Stephen Hawking voice. It would really take all the fun out of having a robot slave.

See, what we’re doing is creating a new group to oppress, and then argue about the virtue of that oppression. It’s not enough that we fucked with black people, women, Indians, the other Indians, animals, Asians, Hispanics, gays, Muslims, Middle Easterners, and Jews. All of these groups figured out they were being fucked, so now we’re creating a whole new group to fuck up from scratch.

You know Moveon.org would lobby for robots’ rights and send you multiple emails a day, while Bill O’Reilly would talk on the Factor about how the robots don’t deserve “special rights,” because they’re taking away work from real Americans, which they are not, because they’re robots! Who cares if they can feel? They weren’t born here, they were created by Toyota and Yamaha in Japan.

The Democrats in congress would of course come up with ridiculous non-solutions to the problem with meaningless, rambling legislation that the Republicans would filibuster anyway, because while they respect the robots’ choice to be metal and programmed, they do not feel that the special rights of marriage and adoption should be granted to them. And no, they wouldn’t give the robots the right to vote. So what if they have artificial intelligence? They were created by humans, so they’re imperfect. How could a robot make an informed decision at the polls? They’d be biased towards those who favor their existence and equal rights.

-Joe

The Sexing Room

2010-10-09T05:03:00.002-04:00

My latest assignment for satire class. The assignment was sexual farce. Enjoy.

“The Sexing Room,” where unborn souls choose their gender before joining the human race. The Sex Master stands in front of the room explaining the pros and cons of each one.

Hello everyone, welcome to the sexing room. I apologize for the name; I’ve had a request pending for a while to have it changed and still haven’t heard back about it. I am the Sex Master. I also have several requests pending to change my title. I would prefer something slightly subtler. Just the fact that they haven’t answered me, it just shows a lack of respect, which has been an issue since I started here. So my dad’s on the board, it doesn’t mean I didn’t get in on my own merit. I’m just so tired of – sorry. Let’s get started.

Now, you’ve got a few choices when you get down to Earth. Let’s start with the basics. First, you’ve got your men. Being a man has been pretty great for a long time down there. A lot of them are in charge. Even if you don’t really know what you’re doing, you’re still probably more likely to be in charge of things if you’re a man. So right off the bat you’re getting a pretty good deal. And you’re gonna think very highly of yourself no matter what kind of person you are, so nothing will hold you back there. Um, let’s see – life expectancy is slightly lower, but again, life is pretty good when you’re in charge of everything. Your genitals will be on the outside, but again, you’re in charge of stuff, so you can probably handle that. Then there’s the orgasm during the mating ritual – this is where some major differences come in. For men, you’re gonna have a pretty great one, and it’s not going to take you that long. It won’t last that long, but you’ll enjoy it, and then your job is done. Unless you stick around to take care of the baby, which has become standard practice. But if you don’t mind being a sleazy piece of shit, you’re home free.

So sex is great as a man, but there’s one catch; you will absolutely always want to do it. I guess that’s the price to pay for the quick and easy orgasm. But seriously, it’s like a sick addiction. You’ll think there’s something wrong with you until you realize every single other man feels the same way. You will just always think about it, whether you want to or not. You could be the kindest, most loyal man in the world, and sitting by your wife’s hospital bed, you see Scarlett Johansson on TV out of the corner of your eye, and for a split second you’ll think about what it would be like to have sex with her. Not even that you would. But you’ll totally think about it.

While we’re talking about the sex and the orgasms and such, we may as well transfer over to women so I can let you know what that’s all about. As a woman, you’ll have a much more complex experience with reproduction. As far as the orgasm goes, yours will be far superior to the man’s, but it’s much harder to do. It may take your man a while to figure it out, and 9 times out of 10 his will happen before yours, and after that he’s pretty much out of commission. Then you have to carry a baby for 9 months, which is less than ideal, but then you get to be a mother, which is a wonderful experience. Or you’ll dread it. I can’t say.

Unfortunately, many of the existing societies on Earth do not afford women much power or self-confidence, but the upside is, no matter how powerful the man, you can make him do pretty much whatever you want him to. Don’t forget that, it will be useful. Above all, men want women, and each individual woman can determine what a man has to do to win her affection. There is also a lot of women’s advancement going on, so feel free to choose woman and become involved with some of that.

Next, we have gay or straight. Straight is, well, pretty much what I just described to you. You will be interested in the opposite sex. This is the standard way of doing it, as straight people’s sex advances the species, but by request we recently added the gay option – that is, interest in the same sex – to give people a little more choice. Also to slow things down around here – the population of Earth is growing quite fast these days, and they could use some gays.

So if you’re straight, that of course means you can have children, but there is no guarantee; sometimes something goes wrong in production and those parts don’t work right. But in general, straights can have children, and gays can’t. There are many straight parents, however, who give up their children for one reason or another, and either gays or infertile straights can raise the child. But only if you live in a place where gay adoption is allowed, and as you know from yesterday’s seminar, geographical placement is still randomized at this time, because too many people were choosing China. Although, gay adoption isn’t legal in China, so we haven’t quite figured that one out.

A lot of places also still don’t let gays get married. This may not seem like such a big deal to you, but in a lot of areas the pressure is so great to not be gay that you are forced into a straight marriage that ends up falling apart and ruining lives. Also, depending on where you live, people might beat the living shit out of you or even kill you, or your government might put you to death, just because you’re gay. Nonetheless, the option is on the table.

It is now time to make your decisions. Please write your top choice on the provided slip of paper in front of you, and pass them toward the front. You will hear back in 3-5 business days, and I am required to tell you that there is no guarantee you will be placed with the exact specifications you request. There have been, however, advancements in surgery to switch genders, and even classes to teach you how to be straight if you turned out gay and didn’t want that. Thank you for coming in today.

-Joe

Publicly Safe

2010-09-15T22:35:00.003-04:00

Joe: Hey, our back door is kind of broken. It doesn't lock. Is there an emergency maintenance number I can call?

Public Safety guy: Uh, yeah, I think there's still a maintenance guy here. Is it something you need fixed tonight?

No, it's cool. Don't worry about it. You're all tired, I'm tired, let's not worry ourselves with broken doors in notoriously robbed-from dorms right now. It's not like the maintenance guy is here for exactly this reason, paid for by my tuition money. It's not like I have that much of value in my room or anything. If you could just see if you can get around to it by the end of the week that would be fine. Don't stress yourself out too much though.

-Joe

God's Press Conference

2010-09-07T23:55:00.006-04:00

God:

Yes, yes, thank you. Thank you. You’re too kind. Good to be here. Good to be back. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you all. And of course, as you know, last time I only saw you through Jesus’ eyes. But this time I thought I’d come down here myself to set a few things straight.

First of all, please, for your own good stop exhausting yourselves trying to figure out what is beyond the third dimension. The dream analysis, the speculation, the poetry, the psychological studies – you’re wasting your time. Believe me, it’s not that interesting. Yes, it is true that you only use 10% of your brains, but that’s the only part that works. To be honest I just didn’t finish your brains. Ten percent of it is functional, and the rest is extra material. I ordered too much, and I didn’t know what to do with it, so you’ve got some excess weight in there. Sorry.

But seriously, not much to see beyond the third dimension. I think there are like two extra shapes we moved to the fourth dimension during the production stage, the oosk and the banoozle. There were just too many shapes, so we put them in the fourth dimension for safe-keeping. I don’t know how these rumors got started, but I can assure you there isn’t much more to reality than what you see. It was a clever idea, but trust me, when you’re creating a world, you want to keep things as simple as possible.

Speaking of which, I must warn you that you’re putting a lot of time and energy into space travel, and I hate to say it, but you’re in for a lot of disappointment. I didn’t put too much out there. The fact is, I was really tired after creating Earth and Cleveland -- what’s that? Oh yes, you don’t know about Cleveland. No, not the city in Ohio, I’m talking about planet Cleveland, way over at the East end of the Universe. They have intelligent life, too. The similarity in names is a coincidence.

Anyway, after I made Earth and Cleveland I was really tired, and I kinda threw the rest together. Maybe I’ll go back and revise it a bit one day, but trust me, right now, it’s pretty boring.

What’s that? No, I don’t think the Clevelandians will be visiting any time soon. You should stay here, too. It’s just a really long ride, I’m not sure it would be worth it to you. Please, no more questions about Cleveland. I said…

Ok, I didn’t want to tell you this, but the people of Cleveland don’t want to meet you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way, but I just made my third coming to Cleveland, and when I told them about Earth they said they weren’t interested in visiting. Well, they were put off right away by all the war and genocide, but when I told them about youtube that was really the deal breaker for them. Look, the fact is, Justin Bieber and Ke$ha are two of your most recognizable figures right now, and it’s not doing you any favors.

Something else I wanted to clear up here, please, let it be known from here on out that if a tree falls in a forest, or anywhere, at any time, whether or not someone is there, it makes a sound. Honestly, I’m a little disappointed with this one. Millions of years and you’re still wondering about this. I made it so things make sound, and I designed you to be able to hear it. They’re separate things. You don’t make sound happen. Pretty bold of you, guys.

And lastly I just want to touch on this whole “why is there cancer” thing. Look, I’m not a scientist. Some things just may never be explained.

Thanks for your time, I’ll see you in 4010.

-Joe

In good hands

2010-09-04T16:30:00.000-04:00

In fairness to Ithaca College, I wrote this before the office of residential life refunded some of the money for the dishes they stole from my dorm room this summer. However, I do feel the piece remains relevant to many other situation, so here you are.

___________

Thank you for calling. We regret to inform you that we cannot resolve your issue at this time, but we can assure you that the authorities will answer your request in due time. We are sorry about what happened to you, but unfortunately these things take time. However, as soon as we can verify your claims, your problem will be sorted out in a timely fashion. Your request is important to us, and we are doing everything in our power to help you. Thank you for calling us. You had a choice today, and we appreciate your business.

-Joe

The Freest of the Free

2010-09-01T00:35:00.007-04:00

As you read the below text, you may soon notice that the topic is the same as my last post. That is because I typed the last post in a furious rage, and I cannot testify to its clarity nor to its effectiveness. However, when I received my first assignment for the satire class I am taking this semester (it's called The Snarky Muse: Forms and Functions of Satire. Easily the most pretentious, most awesome class of my college career), I decided to take the opportunity to make these ideas into more of an actual thing. Enjoy.

____________________

A male reporter stands on the streets of New York City. Another man points a camera at him.

Reporter: I’m here at Park 51, the site for the proposed Mosque that two law-abiding Muslim groups have received all the necessary legal permission to build. Because the site is near…ish…[stretches his neck, searching] yeah, I think I can see ground zero from here – Because of the site’s relative proximity to ground zero, the plans for the new mosque have created controversy amongst families of 9-11 victims and members of other religions. I will be interviewing people on the street to find out where this animosity is coming from.

The reporter talks to an overweight brown-haired white woman eating a hotdog.

Reporter: Can you tell us how you feel about these Muslim groups building a Mosque sort of not that close to ground zero?

Overweight woman: I think it’s so insensitive. Honestly, what are they thinking, allowing this to happen? Clearly this means Barack Obama is a Muslim and wants all white people to die.

Reporter: Why do you feel that way?

Overweight woman: [hesitates, surprised that she was asked to explain herself] Well, I don’t know why I feel that way. It just seems like…you know…all this evidence…

Reporter: So you feel the mosque should not be built?

Overweight Woman: No, I think it would be the worst thing for our democracy.

The reporter talks to a Rabbi.

Reporter: Now, I know the people of the Jewish and Muslim faiths have had their share of differences with each other. Is there a widely held Jewish response to the ground zero Mosque?

Rabbi: Well, you know, I don’t think we ehh, try to speak for the families of victims but, you know, it seems that a lot of them are not to too ah, pleased with the whole thing, and ah, well…

Reporter: …Yes?

Rabbi: Well it’s like Abe Foxman said, the director of the Anti-Defamation League. Let’s see, what is it – their pain entitles them to “positions that others would categorise as irrational or bigoted.”*

Reporter: I see. So what you’re saying is, Jews believe that one group’s pain and fear justifies limiting the rights of other groups of people?

Rabbi: Of the Muslims, yes.

The Reporter talks to a Buddhist Monk.

Monk: Well, it would go against our teachings, and the United States Constitution to deny the rights of this law-abiding religious group. There is no reason we can’t all live in peace.

Reporter: Alright. Thank you for your time.

The Monk walks away.

Reporter: [To cameraman] Cut that, it’s boring.

The reporter talks to a slim, blonde white girl.

Blonde girl: It’s like, so insensitive. I just think like, the Islams need to like, put it somewhere else. What’s wrong with like, just keeping them separate? No one’s ever thought of that. This is America, and you can’t be terrorists here.

The reporter talks to a fat, balding, middle-aged white man.

White Man: You know, these people are goin’ around on all the talk shows talking about how they’re the moderates, they’re the good Moslims, but I never heard one of them call one of these Hamas people a terrorist. We ask them simple questions about whether their religion is to blame for violence and hatred, and they can’t even give a straight answer.

Reporter: Do you feel they should have an answer for that?

White Man: Yes, absolutely. This is America. You’re not just born with everything America has to offer. If you want to be free, you may have to answer for decades of crimes against humanity first, even if you didn’t commit them.

Reporter: Should Jews, then, have to answer for Israel’s actions against Palestine?

White Man: Well, yes, I suppose. I don’t quite understand that whole sand-nigger war over there, but I guess the same rules apply.

Reporter: And Christians as well?

White Man: Excuse me?

Reporter: I'm sorry, do you consider yourself a Christian, sir?

White Man: Yes.

Reporter: Well, I just wonder if you believe Christians should denounce Ann Coulter, or Pat Robertson, or other extremists within your own faith.

White Man: I never saw Ann Coulter kill anybody.

Reporter: Okay, that’s fair. How about the crusades? Or the Spanish Inquisition? The blockage of safe sex tools such as condoms to AIDS-ridden African nations?

White Man: Oh, sure, it always comes back to the Christians. Yeah, go ahead and persecute us, a peaceful religion, in a country where we have freedom of religion. When’s it gonna be our day? You liberal elitists, think you know everything, trying to impose gay marriage and abortion on our—

Reporter: [To cameraman] You can cut it, I think we’re done.

*http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/news/juliankossoff/100051045/ground-zero-mosque-the-jewish-response/

_________________

-Joe

People, in general, are bad.

2010-08-24T15:11:00.005-04:00

While listening to Christian radio recently - yes, I do that - I heard an interesting guy spouting off about the Muslims and their claims of racism regarding the poor response to the proposed "insensitive" mosque that happens to be nearish the World Trade Center.

Now, let me be clear. I don't give a shit where they build their mosque. I don't care where the Christians go to cry about gay people and where the Jews go to not eat pigs. This is America, do what you want.

But see, one of the main things this guy was saying is that the Muslims won't denounce the terrorists, or even call them terrorists. Gasp. "They're simple questions," he said. But are they? Maybe calling someone a terrorist is too much of an oversimplification. Maybe these people, who didn't commit the terrorist attacks, don't feel that they should have to answer for them.

I'd like to see some of these Christians denounce Ann Coulter, or Pat Robertson. Where are the moderate Christians when Pat Robertson says that homosexuals want to disrupt church services and throw blood on people? (He actually said that). Where are they when Ann Coulter says "We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity"? (She actually said that). What about the crusaders? The Spanish...Inquisitors? Were they not terrorists? Seems like a simple question to me.

Do you denounce white people? White people brought slavery to the Americas, and stole land from and killed millions of Indians. Do you denounce the British? Justify their actions for me.

We'll never get the time back that these people waste on this. Still no cure for cancer.

-Joe

Phun with Phones

2010-08-17T22:10:00.007-04:00

Do you ever have a phone conversation with someone so incredibly stupid that you feel the need to share it with people? I feel the need to do that now.

From a call to my doctor's office (whom I shall refer to as Dr. Oz):

________

Automated voice messaging system: If you are hearing this message, it means that the person you are trying to reach is not in the office, and you can't leave them a message. Press zero to be transferred to a girl who has no skills besides picking up a phone*

Girl who has no skills besides picking up a phone: This is the place you already knew you were calling*, how may I help you?

Me: I need to leave a message for Dr. Oz.

GWHNSBPUAP: He's not in the office, you can't leave him a message.

Me: What's the point of the voicemail if I can't use it when he's not there?

GWHNSBPUAP: Because if it's an emergency and someone leaves a voicemail then we can't do anything.**

Me: Well it's not an emergency, I just need to discuss something with him.

GWHNSBPUAP: He's not in the office, he's on vacation.

Me: Well can someone leave him some sort of message so he can get back to me as soon as possible? Can I send him an email? [Can you leave a damn post-it on his desk?***]

GWHNSBPUAP: You can call him on Monday when he gets back.

Me: Fantastic. Thanks.

_________

I'm in awe.

*I paraphrase of course.

**I know you already realize this is an incredibly stupid thing to say, but it is important also to note that, on this office's answering service, the option for "medical emergency" comes before the option to leave a message for your doctor. Yeah, you thought you knew how dumb she was.

***I didn't really say this, but as soon as I hung up I wished I had.

-Joe

Live A Little

2010-08-10T05:40:00.006-04:00

"Life is to be lived, not survived."

This is one of many bullshit quotes that has come out of this obsession people have with "doing." Everyone seems to think that we're here "for a reason," and that we're somehow obligated to make our lives interesting. We're the only animals who do this. Do you have a dog? Take a look at your dog. What is he doing? There are only four possible answers: eating, shitting, sleeping, or playing with something old and smelly you would have thrown away if you didn't have a dog.

Your dog doesn't give a shit. He's satisfied. He's got the best deal - he's surviving, and you're doing most of the work to make that happen.

Now look at yourself. What are you doing? Maybe sitting, maybe eating, maybe shitting, maybe even working out. But you're also worrying. You have all these crazy dreams in your head. You just have to see Europe. You have to. For some reason, you feel a need, an obligation to see Europe. Your Great Grandparents worked so hard to get out of Europe, because Europe was a terrible place, and now because there are planes you feel like a lazy asshole if you don't go look at old buildings where your family sat thinking "I need to get the fuck out of here."

Why do we do this to ourselves? If life is meant to be "lived and not survived," if we all have some purpose that god put us here for, and our purpose is to take cruises to the Bahamas and spend a week in Disney World every year, then why didn't god put these things on the Earth? For thousands of years humans did nothing but survive. They didn't get vacations. What was their purpose for which they were put on the Earth? To perpetuate the species long enough so that you could spend your summers at the beach?

By all means do these things and enjoy them, but stop acting like you have some noble purpose. You have time to "live" because in our civilization the surviving part is take care of. You get to go see the Taj Mahal because you don't have to hunt. Someone does it for you.

-Joe

Abortion Shmashmortion

2010-08-06T23:50:00.003-04:00

I wouldn’t say I’m pro abortion. I guess I am, though. I’m not sure what else you would call it.

I don’t like abortion. I don’t wish for abortion, and I certainly (probably) wouldn’t watch an abortion take place.

Nevertheless, I find myself unable to believe that a fetus should have more rights than a woman. I know, it’s awful. But I am who I am.

Important to note, though, that I am who I am because of the life I have led thus far. I was not born the way I am now. Less hair, for one (I was born with a comb over, though). But I was not born spewing witticisms and minor philosophical queries on the Internet. I’m sure I spewed several things, but carefully constructed sentences and paragraphs were not among them for quite some time. In fact, I even trained most of my life to be a classical musician before deciding I would rather be a writer. And I’m still not exactly sure what I will do with my life, because I have not yet made the antecedent decisions that will define my life.

I bring this up because those who would ban abortion completely have made arguments such as “What if the baby you abort would have gone on to cure cancer?”

Um, ok. What if the baby would have gone on to rape your daughter? Are these things decided pre-birth? See, I’m confused, because many members of the “Babies are better than women” club are also Christians, and Christians believe – at least, many angry Internet Christians have told me that Christians believe – that god gave us free will. It seems to me that the ideas of free will and fate don’t really go together. Either the baby was going to be a doctor the whole time, OR he/she/it/flark may or may not have made decisions throughout life resulting in a career as a doctor and ultimately finding a cure for cancer. Maybe life begins at conception. A PhD, however, does not.

-Joe

Your Mother's Chunky Anus

2010-08-04T23:18:00.011-04:00

If you scream in a child's face, and no one is around to hear it, does Human Resources still consider it verbal abuse?

Unfortunately, that's not the question here, because someone was around to hear it: my boss. Yes, I have worked my final day at - well, maybe I shouldn't say the name of the organization. Let's just call it Your Mother's Chunky Anus. You could even come up with some fun way to remember it, like forming the first letter of each word with your arms.

So, I no longer work at Your Mother's Chunky Anus, and the reason might surprise you. A kid was getting really angry, because his mom paid hundreds of dollars for him to go to...this place, and had the nerve not to give him an extra dollar to spend on high fructose corn syrup. Upon realizing his mom had not fulfilled this obligation, he proceeded to scream and throw things. I tried the standard psychology - ignoring him, speaking to him calmly, speaking to him firmly, telling him he was embarrassing himself - nothing worked. Then, just as the rest of the kids were finishing their necessary, health-conscious purchases, Dennis the Menace hits his grand finale. He starts kicking shit like he's never kicked shit in his short, meaningless life. Was it even his shit? Who knows. Backpacks were flying. He screamed like Kurt Cobain. The child had lost control.

So I screamed in his face.

"Hey, you need to stop. What you're doing is dangerous to the other kids. The world does not revolve around you."

Apparently they frown upon this at Your Mother's Chunky Anus.

Let me tell you, there is nothing to say when your boss is walking you to your car after firing you. I wouldn't even use the word awkward. There's just literally nothing to say.

-Joe

When I was your age, I came to terms with my age

2010-07-29T01:04:00.009-04:00

I would like to talk about these facebook groups with titles that follow this formula: When I was your age, we had ___, not ____. For instance, "When I was your age, we had Kenan and Kel, not Drake and Josh." Or, "We grew up with the Spice Girls, you're growing up with Miley. We Win." First of all, these groups don't prove anything. All they do is point out examples of how pop culture recycles the same shit every ten years. There's not one word on the page about what makes Kenan and Kel any better than Drake and Josh. You know why? Because there are none. They're both goofy kid sitcoms. There's no reason to love or despise either one. I have more of an attachment to Kenan and Kel because I watched it as a child, and things you had as a child comfort you. That's why you like McDonald's and Disney. There needed to be a new show for no other reason than the kids would have been confused that Kenan and Kel didn't have cell phones.

And if these stupid groups are going to exist, can we at least have the right people join them? I discovered the Kenan and Kel group because my news feed told me that a girl who is 15 joined it. She's 15. Do you know what that means? That means she was born in 1995. Kenan and Kel ran from 1996 to 2000, when she was 5. Kenan and Kel was off the air before she had a full grasp of the English language and motor skills. I'm sorry, but you, in fact, grew up with Drake and Josh. Maybe you like Kenan and Kel better, because you appreciate its commentary on working-class life in post-Cold War America, but if you watch it on Tivo on a flatscreen TV you had to press more than 1 button to turn on and in between you text your friend about those concert tickets you bought online, then you didn't "grow up with" Kenan and Kel. It's 2010, and you're in high school.

I could easily say "When I was your age, we had the Backstreet Boys, not the Jonas Brothers." And that would be true, but it doesn't fucking matter. Listen closely to the Jonas Brothers. It's essentially the Backstreet Boys' music with guitars. I could also say "When I was your age, we had Guns N' Roses, not Kings of Leon," because, in this case, Guns N' Roses actually plays circles around those birdshit-eating cocksuckers*. However, I was in Kindergarten when the last Guns N' Roses album (before Chinese Democracy) came out. I wasn't really that aware of them. "Rubber Ducky" was more my cup of tea in those days. And I can admit that, you generation-stealing assholes.

-Joe

*Kings of Leon ended a concert after 3 songs because a bird pooped in the Kings of Leon bass player's** mouth.

**I'm aware that he has a name, and I don't care.

KFC Double Down

2010-07-20T22:43:00.006-04:00

Now, there's no point in me attempting to explain to you in some clever way how disgusting the Double Down is. I think we all know that. But this raises an interesting question, which is, how are products like the Double Down marketed successfully if all reasonable functioning adults are aware of its rancidity? The answer is really quite simple.

You see, every time one of these atrocious fast food concoctions rears its ugly head - your Double Downs, your Famous Bowls, your Baconators, your Angus Third Pounders - everyone has the same conversation, which goes like this:

"Have you heard about the KFC Double Down?"

"I know, right? So disgusting. Psh, how do they...I mean, seriously...who's gonna eat that, right?"

"Yeah. Gross."

"..."

"Dude, you know what would be so funny?"

"What?"

"If we went and got Double Downs. Dude, it would be so funny. Seriously. I'm like, notevenkidding right now. Notevenkidding."

"HAHA, yeah that would be so funny! Let's do it!"

The reason they're able to sell it is because we're a generation of such douchebags that we'll have an entire conversation just to convince everyone around us that we find these things revolting, just so that we can turn around and go eat one with irony on our side.

-Joe

Farts N' Tears Comedy Club

2010-07-18T23:09:00.000-04:00

Recently I did something I've tried to avoid for a long time - I performed standup for children.

Let me explain. I work at a day camp. I work the full day and the late afternoon program. My day kids, the "little kids," get picked up by their parents, then the late kids wait with me, as well as the kids waiting for the bus, until the "older kids" get there, because their day is slightly longer. Now, we, the adults present at this transition period, need to find some way to keep these kids occupied for the 20 or so minutes until the older kids get there. Not as easy a task as it sounds. Anyway, recently, the director who waits there with us decided it would be a good idea to have "joke hour," which basically means kids come up and say something like "Knock knock," "Who's there?" "Fart!" and then we all clap politely.

I met this guy working at the camp a couple of years ago - he's actually an old friend of one of my best friends - and my standup ventures have made their way into our conversations. He thought this was great, and, as the guy who organizes a lot of the "entertain the kids" events, he got the idea that I should perform my standup act at camp.

Standup is not for children. I know there are one-man shows that are designed for children, but it's a different art. Generally speaking, standup is not for children.

For one thing, subject matter. The fact is, I'm 21 years old. A lot of the dialogue and thoughts of my life are R rated. It's just the way it is. That's why I don't have too many 7-year-old friends. As much as I like talking about Spongebob (yes, and watching it), there are a few other things on my mind.

Aside from subject matter, there's the very concept of standup. It's too much for a child to process. My belief is, even if the kids somehow relate to and understand what I'm saying, which they probably won't, they won't understand why I'm saying it. Relating experiences through thoughtful one-liners or stories that tie together in a funny way and convey some sort of theme is way too much for a child to focus on.

Little jokey jokes with punchlines that anyone can understand is not really what standup is anymore. Nevertheless, when my friend unexpectedly called me up during joke hour, I frantically tried to think of one of my shortest, easiest to understand, and most widely enjoyed jokes. What did I come up with?

"What we call the roof of the mouth is not a roof at all. It's the ceiling of the mouth. The top of your head is the roof of your mouth."

At least a couple of the adults laughed. I'm sure the kids didn't get it. In fact, one came up to me right after and told me I wasn't funny. It was actually the harshest, most direct criticism I've received.

Despite the humiliation I faced that day, my friend called me up again the next day. "I don't have any new material," I told him. In hindsight, not the greatest excuse I could have mustered. "But you only did one joke last time!" he pleaded. "But I don't have jokes, I have experiences that I relate to other adults with." But I didn't really say that last part. Instead, I went ahead and pulled out another one of my shorter bits that is fairly easy to understand.

"When someone is on a weight-loss diet and they go off the diet, we say they're cheating. But really, that's just doing it wrong. I would think that fasting would be cheating."

It's not my best. It needs work on the wording, and maybe another example to fully convey the absurdity I'm pointing out. In fact, this joke has gotten a lukewarm response so far even in comedy clubs with crowds who are seeking and understand comedy, and who laughed at my other jokes. Why I decided to try it at day camp, I'll never know. Not even the adults laughed. As soon as I said it, a kid called out "That doesn't even make any sense!" And I said "It makes perfect sense, if you're not 8." Come to think of it, that was my first real experience with heckling. Maybe this was a productive experience after all.

Tomorrow I'm performing George Carlin's "7 Dirty Words" for the kids, in honor of the courts' overturning of many of the FCC's policies.

-Joe

Cocksuckers Anonymous

2010-07-13T18:35:00.000-04:00

As promised, I will continue to avoid discussing political issues in any way that suggests I have any greater understanding than anyone else. I state my views here simply so that Interneters don't misunderstand me and attack me for the wrong reasons. I apologize if I veer too far from humor at any point - this is why I avoid topics like this. However, something happened today which I simply could not ignore.

I received an email from Equality California, a pro gay rights group. This is not unusual, I am on their mailing list. I am a big supporter of gay rights - in the manliest, most vagina-loving way possible. What they said for the most part I agreed with; apparently, in response to the fight to overturn Don't Ask Don't Tell*, gay rights opposers in the Department of Defense sent a survey to 400,000 active duty and reserve soldiers asking biased questions about how they would feel having to share space with homosexuals. EC didn't include the survey in the email (bias?), so I don't know how biased or evil it was, but I agree wholeheartedly that support of DADT is one of the most inane and misguided things conservatives waste our time with in this country, and I'm sure that they're spreading bullshit to keep DADT in place.

However, this is not what I'm pissed off about. As a supporter of gay rights - and correct grammar and usage - the following quote in the email from Equality California really annoyed me:

"[The survey] uses derogatory terms like “homosexual” and asks biased questions like what people’s reactions would be if they had to share a tent or bathroom with someone they suspected to be gay or lesbian."

What's dumber than a survey about DADT? The above sentence about said survey. Let me get this straight, "derogatory terms like 'homosexual'"? What more scientific and diplomatic term exists for them? Equality California used the word "gay." Is that less derogatory? "Gay" didn't even always mean what it means now. Does EC really expect me to be outraged by a survey that asks "How would you feel about sharing a bathroom with a homosexual?"? Homosexual is a completely neutral word. It describes exactly what they are. Homo = same, sexual = the sex you like. Dictionary:"sexual desire or behavior directed toward a person or persons of one's own sex."They like the same sex. It's not derogatory. It's what they are. I, on the other hand, like girls. I'm heterosexual. I like the other sex, which is girls. I really, really like girls.

If the survey said "homo" I might understand a little more. If it said "How would you like it if some faggot ass cocksucker** came in and took his dick out in front of you while you were brushing your teeth? Fuck queers, right?" then I might understand. I might actually sign that petition. But as it is, I must ask Equality California to, kindly, get mad about the right fucking things. If I'm on your side, have the decency not to make our side look like complete idiots.

*Little-known fact: The original name for Don't Ask Don't Tell was Cocksuckers Anonymous. The title was changed before it left the Senate floor.

**I am aware that "cocksucker" also describes exactly what some gay people are, and thus it technically fits my argument for the term "homosexual." Well, if you're interested, "cocksucker" was always meant to be derogatory. It says "Slang: vulgar" next to it in the dictionary. "Homosexual" is a scientific, textbook definition. So shut up.

-Joe

Compromise

2010-07-03T23:25:00.000-04:00

-Joe

Joe Messina at Joker's Wild

2010-07-03T17:01:00.000-04:00

Joy™

2010-07-03T16:26:00.000-04:00

So I'm wearing this Beatles shirt, and a girl says to me, "I have that Beatles shirt, too." "Cool," I replied, not thinking much of it. Beatles fandom is not the most unique of connections one can have with another person. Nor is shirt-wearing. But she went on: "...and all the other commercialized bullshit they made for the Beatles." I chuckled friendlily, unsure of how to respond. Was she giving me a backhanded compliment ("That shirt's nice, for commercialized bullshit")? But she said she owned all the commercialized bullshit. Did she truly hate herself for conforming to the commodified society she didn't approve of? Or maybe, just maybe, she was a pretentious, full-of-shit college girl who only said what she said to sound smart and cool. We did have this conversation in a college classroom. A poetry class, no less. It was entirely possible that I was speaking to a pretentious, full-of-shit college girl.

Did she realize that the Beatles are what they are because of commercialism? Did she realize that a large part of why the Beatles were so successful was because they knew how to market themselves? Did she realize that Paul McCartney has boycotted itunes simply because Apple and Apple Records both have an apple logo? Does she realize that they have disgusting amounts of money and they're not too quick to part with it (unless Canadians are beating up seals)?

All of these questions went through my mind, but I decided not to ask any of them. She seemed like the kind of person who would make you unnecessarily depressed in just a short conversation. Like talking to Kurt Cobain.

"Hey, Kurt Cobain, do you want some M&Ms?"

"I can't believe you actually consume that product of a corporate monopoly that manufactures a false love of colorful idols so they can sell their poison to an unsuspecting--"

"Dude, lay off. I just like M&Ms. They're crunchy and chocolatey and delicious, you piece of shit. You're no fun, Kurt Cobain."

-Joe

A poem

2010-06-25T17:41:00.000-04:00

If you're dying, you're still living
If you die, you stop dying
And living

If you're sleeping you can't be waking
And if you start waking, you're awake
No more sleeping

You can be awake and falling asleep
But no falling to death
Unless you're falling

-Joe

Impress me. In the good way.

2010-06-25T17:11:00.000-04:00

Why is it that you can make a good impression or a bad impression, but the other party is only "impressed" if you make a good impression? When you make a bad impression, why do people say "I'm not impressed"? You still made an impression, it was just a bad one. According to this absurd non-rule of language, you could say "He made a bad impression on me," and immediately follow it with "I'm not impressed," and that would be perfectly acceptable. No one ever says they were "well-impressed" or "poorly impressed." Just once I would like to hear "That guy really made an impression on me. In the worst possible way."

-Joe

"We The People"? More Like "We The STUPID"!

2010-06-19T23:35:00.000-04:00

I don't know if you've ever heard of Ray Stevens, readers, but let me tell you, this guy's a hoot! He's a country singer AND a comedian, and he's a master of both. His new album - folks, listen up, this guy's a genius - is called We The People. You know, like they say in the pledge of allegiance song. And he really sticks it to Obama, with meticulously crafted lyrics like "Now I'm all for workin' hard, to keep this planet clean, but man that gloabal warming just don't make no sense to me," and "We are the government, your money belongs to us."

Clever, funny, and well-informed. That's what I like to see. That's how to be a really good social commentator. You also have to be fearless. And Ray Stevens is fearless. He actually has a song on this album called "Obama Nation." Obama Nation! Do you get it? It's like Abomination. Like Obama's nation is an abomination. Do you get it? They sound the same. DO YOU GET IT? DO YOU FUCKING GET IT??? IT'S SO FUCKING HILARIOUS BECAUSE THEY'RE ALMOST THE SAME. AND ABOMINATION IS A BAD THING SO IT'S LIKE OBAMA'S BAD. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA OH MY FUCKING LORD IT'S SO GOD DAMN FUNNY GET IT??????????????????????!!?!?!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!!??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????!???????????!?????????????!?????????????????????????????????????!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?

Then there's "Come to the USA," where Stevens talks about how you'll be killed if you try to illegally immigrate to other countries but you won't be if you illegally immigrate to the US, and insinuates through sarcasm that that's a bad thing. Because, you know, it is.

In "Fly Over Country," Stevens expresses his pride in being from middle-America, and tells us about how Obama doesn't do anything for poor people - it's consistent with his message, because nowhere on the album does he decry big government. He's right. I say we bring back George Bush. At least he cared about black people.

_____________________

If you don't choose not to buy this album because of Ray Stevens' misinformed conservative opinions, then choose not to buy it because of Ray Stevens' distinct inability to have a clever thought or even to effectively express his poorly formed opinions.

On the topic of musical comedy, please check out my demos at this site. I promise there are no cheap shot, unfunny puns about the president or blatant, humorless political rants.

-Joe

Ear Fiercing

2010-06-19T23:24:00.000-04:00

I just saw an ad for earlobe repair, for tearing that apparently occurs when piercing goes wrong. Please try to ignore how horrifically disgusting that is and read on.

What's interesting is they offer a free ear piercing with the surgery. Please try to ignore how amazingly ironic and stupid that is and read on.

Is your earlobe ripped open because of a person who you trusted to make you look pretty but really should never have been allowed near your skin with a sharp object, but you also still want your ear pierced? Why not solve both problems at once? Skip the surgery. Pierce both mangled flaps of your slain earlobe. Or, better yet, put one flap over the other, and pierce them together. Hey, it's a tough economy. Sometimes, you need to cut back*.

*On expenses, not your earlobes.

-Joe

Stuff

2010-06-17T23:20:00.000-04:00

This blog is so called because it describes what I often do, which is to say/ write words about words. Although I suppose that is what all of us does anytime we say anything about anything, as words are symbols that we use to make sense of our world, so until we develop some sort of telekinetic imagery-based thought-speech, all we'll ever have is words on words. But, to specifically convey what it is I like to do, I like to pick apart language - phrases, terms, idioms, adages, words themselves, their definitions and usages, inconsistencies and absurdities therein, etc.

I am aware that I am not the first person to do this, but hopefully I do it uniquely enough so that a few people deem it worth their time. I try to avoid any tone of pretentiousness or self-importantness, and I think I do a fairly good job of that. Take that last sentence; "Importantness" isn't even a real word. I never said I was better than anyone.

Because of this fear of sounding like an asshole, creating a title for this blog proved difficult. You see, blogs are made for assholes by assholes, and while there may be no way for me to avoid that categorization completely, I can try my darnedest to tone down my own doucheyness so as not to alienate real, intelligent people who may appreciate something I have to say. So I settled on "Words on Words" because I felt it was the best way for me to sum up what I do without being a complete tool.

Of course, writing words about words is not all I do (well, again, it is, but you know what I mean). I'm an aspiring comedian, and it is very likely I will test out material in print on this site, as well as share videos, recordings, songs, etc. I may even have something to say about political issues and events from time to time, but not in a way that suggests I have any idea what I'm talking about more than any of you do. You absolutely shouldn't be looking here for that kind of information.

Have no fear: I think balls are hilarious. Let's do this.

-Joe

P.S. I have been writing for www.miltonandtheduke.com for a while, so check me out there, too, but I will be gradually switching over to this site.